Okay, I officially feel like an idiot.

In my last post, I gushed about this boy - this boy I thought I liked and a boy I thought felt the same way. And, now, I feel like a stupid, stupid, stupid IDIOT. We finally decided to get together - to try something and work things out as a couple - to see if we can make something so amazingly perfect.

It didn't work.

Twenty-eight hours later, he decides that he's not ready for a relationship, that he's sorry & that everything is his fault & nothing is my fault. At that exact moment, I was watching the new movie, starring Channing Tatum - Step Up. Gah! He ruined everything. The minute I read his cowardly text, I jetted out of there like I saw some scary ghost.

I remember crying over a boy for the first time & I promised myself I'd never do it again - but to no avail. I dashed to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out, wondering why on earth someone would ever lead me on. All my insecurities raced through my head & I seriously contemplated whether or not I was good enough, whether or not I was worth his time.

And truth is:

I'm worth MORE than his time. I'm worth more than his pathetic excuses of not being ready and his scaredy-cat ways of trying to tell me his feelings. I called him up & asked why he would do this - why after what he told me just the day before. He apologized profusely and kept saying that it was HIS fault, that I had nothing to do with it.

I told him I was sorry I called and hung up.

I'm sick & tired of thinking of him - tired of thinking that I wasn't good enough to be with him. I'm more than good & he doesn't deserve my thoughts anymore. Because, when it boils down to the truth, ten years from now all he'll ever be is JUST A BOY. Just another silly boy that I decided to spend some time on.

He's nothing special - he's something I've learned from - just someone that taught me never to be as stupid and naive as I've been.

It's been a while since I've written in here & I've nudged myself to actually muster up any energy left in this body of mine to type something.

Nothing's really been going on, except for the unbelievable amount of time I've been spending thinking about this guy that truthfully - cannot be with me. Apparently, he's acquired some insane mentality from his exes and claims that he doesn't want to take the risk and be in a relationship because he's afraid he'll hurt me.

That's a gorgeous act of chivalry, don't you think?

Ugh - I've been acting like a chocolate-crazed fan running after him with a bloody (excuse my Britishism, =b) pen asking for his autograph. I have no idea what's going on with me. Nowadays, I'm glancing at my Orlando Bloom poster and thinking to myself, 'Wait, why do I have this here again?' It's as if this kid has taken all prior naughty thoughts of hot celebrities away from me! He's stolen all my giggly daydreams of Johnny Depp and Channing Tatum. How dare he!

And worst part is - we actually like eachother. I mean, it's not that one-sided, oh woe is me, kinda situation. It's the - we both like eachother to bits and can't figure out why we aren't even together kinda thing. And it's annoying the crap out of me. I'm not accustomed to making all the first moves, God knows I can hardly form a sentence without freaking out, but with this kid, it's as if I'm the only person really making an effort. I can't say that any longer, because he made an effort today and shyly asked me out on a date on Tuesday. Christ, what am I going to wear?

In the words of Carmen, Le Sigh. What am I going to do? I've never been so into someone before, and you can't really blame me after seeing the collar-popping boys or knowing the scumbags running around this town. And what's perfect is that he knows exactly the right thing to say - he knows exactly how to make me smile & that makes me utterly happy. He's just so terribly afraid that I'll hurt him like others have in the past and I can honestly say that I would never do such a thing to someone I really care about. We click so perfectly - it's scary. We think the same thoughts, we speak the same words, and we're both jittery when we're near eachother.

Oh, have I mentioned that another girl wants to compete against me for his affections? He blurted out about some girl having a crush on him - he stated that these are one of the reasons as to why we can't be together now.

I'll write more as soon as my head clears.

I need a drink.

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Note: All banners were created by me `;o) Bobby didn't help whatsoever. The asshole. Pfffft.